November 24-26, 2009

As I begin typing this entry, the sun is just threatening to break over the horizon. Which means I only have a few minutes to write before I have to pin the blanket back over my window and go to sleep. It's now officially Thanksgiving and I guess even people who are doomed to immortal life have something to be thankful for.

So here is a list:

-I am thankful I have two best friends that are willing to keep the biggest secret of their lives, and of mine.
-I am thankful I have a family who understands and believes my excuse that I can't make it home for the holidays because I have to work (I couldn't very well go home and only come out of my bedroom at night, now could I?)
-I am thankful that the movies got it wrong and I can actually see my reflection, look upon crucifixes and stand the smell of garlic.
-I am thankful that I managed to suck the blood out of a rabbit on the apartment complex playground and not be seen by any of my neighbors.

Which I guess should bring me to a confession. I really tried to stick with the diet of cold blood from pre-packaged meat. But it was disgusting. Do you realize how gross it was to have to skim meat particles and fat off the top of my glass at every meal. I mean, it's gross enough that I have to drink blood as it is, but that was pushing the boundries of no way-ness.

So what have I been doing? No, I haven't been draining joggers in the woods or anything. However, I feel that the rabbit population is going to dwindle in the area soon. Good thing I only have to feed once a night. The only downside to drinking the blood of a rabbit is that I sometimes have to pick fur out of my teeth. Definitely not fun, but not as bad as the "skimming."

I haven't told Dustin or Cheryl about the rabbits. Cheryl is not a vegetarian but I am sure she would place what I am doing pretty high on the animal cruelty scale. Dustin would probably just be grossed out by it all. I also didn't tell them about my trip downtown the other night. I figured that would just be stupid.

And what I did was stupid and reckless. I need to learn to get the thirst under control before I go out again. Which means I need to start being around small groups of people and then move on up to larger groups slowly. Hopefully I can deal with this sooner rather than later.

So whats coming up ahead in the next week or so? Well, first I have to find a suitable and believable excuse for why I have to miss Christmas as well. Mom is already asking about my days off for the holiday. I have to call my job and see if I can get my job back AND switch to night shift. I am sure that with my new abilities that won't be a problem. And last but certainly not least, I have to figure what to tell Jessie when he comes into town next week. How can I make sure he doesn't get suspicious that I only wake up after dark?

Any suggestions would be great. Feel free to leave me a comment below with your ideas.

The suns about to come up. The birds are chirping. Happy Thanksgiving all you mortals.

-Mike

November 23, 2009

Last night was the hardest night I have had since all of this started. It was worse than all the throwing up. Worse than the night of trial and error suicide. It was worse than realizing what I was.

Last night was the night I lost control for the first time. Here's the story:

I had decided that Dustin and Cheryl couldn't spend all night up with me every night. I needed to learn to do this by myself. So after they went to bed, I got dressed in my nicest and newest black clothes. I styled my hair. I brushed my teeth. And then I made my first mistake. I got in my car and drove down to sixth street. It was a superficial trip, really. I wanted to know what it felt like to be the hottest one in the room. To be wanted by everyone, male or female.

I found the valet parking for a resturant that I had no intention of dining at. I gave the valet my keys and told him to park it close and that there would be no charge. One look into my eyes and he didn't even consider disobeying. I wandered the street. Not being a weeknight, the notorious party street was only slightly busy. Which was lucky for me, because anytime I got among a crowd of people my head began to pound with the sounds of their heartbeats and my senses tingled as I smelled the blood in their veins.

I avoided crowds at all costs. I thought about strolling down to the Market District, the gay party spot of Austin. I could catch the eye of some young hot thing and make him mine for the night. And just when he thought he had me, I would reject him. Payback for making the nerdy fat boy feel hopeless for so many years. But no, I wanted more of a challange.

I stayed on sixth street. I watched as drunken frat boys flirted with girls and poured copious amounts of liquor down their throats. I listened to their heartbeats as they approached girls much more beautiful than they were. I heard the beats quicken, racing with the adrenaline and nervous jitters.

Finally, at the most heterosexual of dive bars, I found the man. He was tall, lean but muscled, blonde hair, blue eyes. he had a backward cap on. His polo shirt was tight against his pecs and his jeans were slung low on his hips, giving just a peek of his boxer briefs. I sat across from him and his "boys" and kept my eyes on them.

I watched him for about fifteen minutes. I wanted to be sure he was to be my conquest. I listened with my now superior hearing as he talked about the women he had and how he had made them climax. All this was in much more graphic language. After I was completely sure that he was the one, I willed him to look at me. It took a good ten minutes of concentration but eventually he looked at me. I locked my eyes on his baby blues and concentrated on the stare. He tried to look away, but seemed unable to break our look. After a few minutes of concentration, he left his buddies and walked toward me.

I sat up straight as he walked toward me. Why was I nervous? I was in control! Finally! He seemed uncomfortable as he walked towards me. His friends looked on in confusion as he moved toward me. It seemed he was moving in slow motion. I was elated! My very own heterosexual Abercrombie model was on his way to me. He finally reached my table and extended his hand. I took it and he told me his name was Ben. I told him my name and asked him to join me. He sat at the table nervously.

"Do you want to join us? I saw you watching us," he asked me. I smiled slightly and looked him directly in the eye. I replied "Actually, I would really like a beer. And I would like it if you would join me for the rest of the evening. Would you like that?"

I stared at him hard, never breaking the look. I concentrated hard. I willed him to accept. Of course, he did. And within a few moments he was sitting next to me at my table. A beer was open in front of me. I don't think he even noticed that I never sipped from it. He glanced at his friends, as if helpless and they seemed shocked and confused, almost angry. I asked him about his life. He was 22 and played football for the University of Texas. He was studying history but really wanted to be a professional football player. He told me about his girlfriend and how he had never been unfaithful, even though he lied to his friends about his many conquests.

Eventually his friends got up to move on to another bar. They stopped by and I introduced myself to them. They asked if he was coming and he looked at me. I willed it and he told them he would rather stay with me for the rest of the evening. They left scratching their heads in disbelief.

After that, I moved quickly. In less than ten minutes we were out of the bar. He was stumbling along beside me. I pulled him into a dark alleyway and pushed him against the wall. "You want me, don't you?" I asked him. I didnt even have to will it anymore. He DID want me. I could feel his bodies response to me and I was certain of what he wanted.

I crushed my lips against his. We kissed for the longest time. Soon, he had wrapped his muscular arms around my waist and pressed his body against mine. I could feel his heartbeat against my skin. And then it happened. The urge came upon me. I could smell the blood in the veins of his throat. My ears were filled with the sound of his pulse. The smell grew strong and I felt my lips travel down to his throat. This was more than I had intended.

And for the first time, felt something sharp push against my lips. I reached up with a free hand and felt them. The fangs. They had come out. And then as if I couldn't control myself I opened my mouth and pressed it against his neck. This isn't what I wanted. As i began to suck, he began to moan softly and I felt the tip of my fangs push against his skin. It wasn't broken yet. I HAD to stop! His hands pulled against my body, groping me and scratching at my back.

It took all the will I had. I pulled away from him and stumbled backward across the alley to the other wall. The urge was still there and it was growing. "Whats wrong?" he asked. I responded with a lame excuse about having to leave and began to walk down the alley. The urge was stronger than ever before and his heartbeat was about to burst my eardrums. "Don't leave. I want to go with you." he pleaded. I pulled a pen out of my back pocket and hurried to him. It was painful to be close to him. I wrote my cell phone number on his hand. He tried to kiss me again but I pushed him away, too roughly it seemed. He fell to the ground. I backed away quickly. I turned and walked out of the alley and I heard him mumble, "I'll call you."

I raced to the car, the smell of blood all around me. I had never wanted something so bad. My stomach was on fire and I couldn't stop the pounding in my ears. The valet took forever to get my car it seemed although it could not have been more than 3 minutes. I got in and drove as fast as I could back home. When I pulled into the parking lot, I sat in my car and waited for my fangs to descend from wherever they had come from. But it never happened. My stomach was still hurting. I got out of the car. I had to drink blood now. Any blood. The meat in my freezer would have to suffice.

And then I saw it. The tiny pink eyed, white, fluffy bunny. I could smell its blood. It even SMELLED warm. I could hear its tiny heartbeat. I could almost see the blood beneath its fur. My legs moved of their own accord. I leaped over the sand pit. I dove over the merry-go-round and seemed to land on my feet within a foot of the bunny. I grabbed it and before I knew what happened. I sank my teeth in to its flesh.

It squirmed and kicked in my hands as I drained it. When I could no longer feel the blood rushing into my mouth, I threw the carcass away from me. It landed in the grass about fifty feet away. I lay back on the grass and felt the blood fill my body. It seemd to fill me from my toes all the way to my brain. The stars above me seemed to flash. All the world was right. I felt more alive than I had since the night I recieved the kiss of death from the dark man.

I thought to myself...this is going to be a problem.

-Mike

November 22, 2009

The realization and confession of my new state of being went over pretty well all things considered. My two best friends tried repeatedly to sway from my certainty. Using arguments such as "its not possible" and "there has to be another explanation." I knew better.

Dustin and Cheryl stayed up throughout the night with me. We discussed the pros and cons of my situation. Here is what we came up with:

PROS
-Much better bod.
-Increased strength and stamina (we tested this with push ups. I did 1000 without breaking a sweat or getting tired. I also did all of them in 5 minutes).
-Vampires are sexy right now (those Twilight books and movies have done wonders for the vampire image).
-Most likely I will develop skills such as persuasion and hypnosis.
-Senses are much sharper.
-Likelihood of being injured is close to nil.
-I will save on groceries and restaurants.
-I will live forever.

CONS
-No sunny afternoons at the beach.
-Getting a real job will be a lot harder.
-Constant urge to kill people and drink their blood.
-Disgusting diet (no more key lime pie!?!?!?).
-Seeing my family will be difficult (explaining is not an option).
-I will live FOREVER.

As you can see, the pros outweigh the cons. So I guess overall, I am handling this pretty well.

Earlier tonight, I went outside for the first time. It was like stepping into a brand new world. Everything smelled stronger. My vision was sharper. The slightest breeze was like a million fingers caressing my cheeks. Everything was beautiful and took on a life of its own. I could see the hills and valleys of the moon. I could just barely make out the faces of airplane passengers in the windows as the planes passed across the night sky.

There was one thing that almost proved too much for me. Everything was so alive. I could smell the blood in a tiny white bunny as it hopped across the apartment complex playground. I could smell people from outside the walls of their apartments. It was intoxicating and nauseating all at once.

Finally, Dustin got me into the car and we drove down the street to the shopping center. I was wearing some of Dustin's clothes. They were ill-fitting and hung off me like a tent. We had to get me some new clothes. It was exhilarating buying clothes in smalls and mediums. We had only a few minutes as it was nearing closing. We grabbed basics: jeans, plain tee shirts, dress shirts, slacks, underwear. I even had to get new shoes in one size smaller. I didn't even realize until I was paying that most of the clothes were black.

We piled back in the car and drove to a 24 hour Wal Mart. I filled the cart with pounds upon pounds of meat: steaks, ground beef, chicken, turkey. Pretty much anything with blood in the packaging was fair game. I got an awfully strange look from the cashier as I handed my credit card. What she must have thought! An emaciated, pale young man in clothes two sizes too large was buying nothing but meat. She probably thought I had just gotten off a hunger strike.

She told me the total and my eyes nearly bulged out of my head. Meat is expensive. I need to remember to take "less food expenses" off the list of pros. I handed my card across to her and she swiped it. There was an awful awkward moment when I swore she was going to question me about all the meat. But then she told me my card had been declined.

I should have guessed that it was going to be over budget. I just bought a new wardrobe. I reached for my wallet and pulled out cash. I had two twenties. It was less than half the total. I decided to try something for the first time. I had no idea if it was going to work. I looked her right in the eye. I let my eyes bore into hers and then I said, "That will be enough." She started to argue. I stared harder and repeated the words again. She looked shocked as she put the money in the cash register.

Two minutes later, we walked out of the store. Dustin burst into a peal of laughter the instant we got outside. I was almost as amazed as him that that had worked. I was surprised the movies got so much of it right.

Back at home, we were packing the meat into the freezer when we realized it wouldn't all fit. We still had five pounds of ground chuck that wouldn't fit. I pulled the package to me and told him, "I guess a guys gotta eat."

Two hours later, Dustin had a platter full of hamburgers and I had one cold glass of cow blood.

Immortality damn well better be worth this crap.

I'm gonna go watch Interview With The Vampire. Maybe Louis and Lestat can give me a few pointers.

-Mike

November, 20-21, 2009

I think I have finally come to a realization. I don't know why it took such obvious signs for me to finally get it. I am not altogether human. Not quite inhuman, but not quite human. Somewhere in between, maybe. I was feeling so upset the other night that I went straight to bed. I had lost 50 pounds in a weeks time. I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep at night. I was as far into depression as you can get. This realization has everything to do with it. Let me tell you what brought me, finally, to this realization.

The night of the 19th, Thursday, I was so depressed that I decided i would end it. I had started to realize that something not possible was actually happening to me. I was losing weight rapidly and didn't know when it would stop. My stomach was aching, yet I could not eat. Yet somehow through this all, i was still alive. So i decided to end. I took a bottle of pills and downed a whole bottle.

The room went hazy and I lay in bed, waiting to die. But then, something strange happened. I started to retch. And I vomited onto my bed. But it wasn't vomit. Out onto the bed spilled the pills. They were as dry as they had ever been. My vision cleared and I was as good as new.

I wrapped a rope about my throat and tied the other end to the racks in my closet. I bent my knees and felt the rope begin to choke me. I could feel my breath stop. My breathing stopped. But I was still conscious. It was only slightly uncomfortable. I gave up after ten minutes.

And finally, I went to the kitchen, I got the sharpest knife i had and...well, you can guess. I watched in amazement as the blade sliced. I saw the gash. I saw the blood spill onto the hardwood floor of my bathroom. And then, I watched in horror as the cut slowly healed up and the blood stopped flowing.

It was then that I knew that something had happened to me. It was the man from the club. He had done something to me. I was no longer quite human. I couldn't even kill myself. I began to cry and crawled into bed. I lay in a fetal position and cried myself to sleep.

I woke up at 6pm the next day, Friday. I was freezing. I pulled the covers off me and stood next to my bed. As I stretched my arms above my head, I felt my boxer briefs drop to the floor. I looked down. I couldn't believe what I saw. I ran to the mirror to be sure and I felt like I was going to faint. I was half the size I was the night before. I stepped onto the scale. I had lost 50 pounds overnight. 50 pounds!

That's a total loss of 100 pounds. I looked down at my skin. It should have been hanging off of me at this rate, but it was tight and taut against my body. I looked at my stomach. It was flat but had no muscle tone. I started to calm down. If nothing else came of this, I had the body I had always wanted. Well...almost.

I lay on my back on the bedroom floor and began to do crunches. I figured if I was skinny now, I should at least make sure I had tone. It was going to be a long road to abs of steel, better begin now! At least, that's what I thought. I did 20 crunches. I went to the bathroom again and looked in the mirror. My abs...rock hard. You could see the muscles bulging out behind my skin.

This is crazy. I hadn't seen anyone in days. I locked myself in my room and had only been out to let Cheryl in, once. She had been amazed at my transformation but credited with high metabolism plus the no eating thing. I knew I couldn't blame this on high metabolism. I picked up my cell phone and sent two quick text messages. One to Cheryl and one to my roommate Dustin. I told them to be in the living room in an hour and that they should be prepared to be shocked. I also told them not to be frightened. They both immediately texted me back and wanted to know what was wrong. I told them to meet me in the living room and all would be explained.

An hour passed. I texted Cheryl to make sure both of them were ready. When i received an immediate response, I took a towel and wrapped it around my waist (my clothes didn't fit me anymore). I walked into the living room. The reactions were mixed. Cheryl's mouth dropped open and she started to sputter. Her eyes watered and she began to cry. Dustin leapt from the couch and ran across the room to be further from me. He exclaimed quite a few expletives very rapidly.

After they had both calmed down a bit, they began just staring at me. Dustin was the first to speak, asking me if it was really me. When I replied it was, he asked me how this had happened. I told him I didn't know and he began talking about parasites that live in human bodies, tapeworms and such, that fed on the stomach contents and fat of the body, making you rapidly lose weight. I laughed it off.

Cheryl said she wanted to take me to a doctor. I refused and she was pissed! She demanded to now why. I quickly walked into the kitchen and came out with a knife.
They both were across the room now. I remember very clearly what I said. "This is why I can't go to the doctor." and then I slit my wrist open.

Blood ran down my arm. I removed the towel from my waist and stood there, naked, catching the blood in the white towel. Cheryl screamed and rushed toward me. But when she got there she saw it and looked into my eyes. She stumbled back across the room, falling on the floor. I held up my wrist to show it had healed. Dustin was floored. He said "What are you?" I told him very quietly that I didn't know.

After they had calmed down, I finally convinced them to sit at the table with me. I told them everything. About the man at the club, the vomiting, the sunlight and even the suicide attempts. They started to discuss all the possible reasons behind it and I told them that I had one idea but I wanted to do one final test.

I took a raw steak from the freezer. I thawed it in the microwave. I asked Dustin to make me a salad or a sandwich. I told Cheryl to get me a trash can and a glass. After a few minutes we sat at the table again. I had a raw steak in front of me. I had a PB & J sandwich. I had an empty glass. And I had a trash can next to me. They sat and watched as I took a bite of the sandwich. After the first two bites, I paused. I felt it coming. I started heaving into the trash can. There at the bottom lay the two bites of sandwich surrounded in a pool of clear bile. Dustin almost lost it too.

Then they watched in disgust as I picked the steak up, I began to squeeze the steak over the glass. Juicing it like a grapefruit. The blood streamed down into the glass. It wasn't even enough to fill half. Then I looked across the table at my two best friends. I said, "bottoms up" and I chugged the blood. I felt it travel down my throat, I literally felt it hit the pit of my stomach. My body felt warm all over. After the feeling passed, I sat there waiting. I never threw up.

Dustin looked across at me in a mixture of pity, revulsion and excitement. His words were the first spoken: "What the f**k are you?"

I paused and looked across at them and gathered all the strength I could muster and said the words that should have come earlier.

"Guys, I think I'm a vampire."

And that was my realization.

-Mike

November 19, 2009

Slept all day today.

Cheryl made me dinner (well, dinner for her, breakfast for me). It was right before sundown when I answered the door. I have a blister on my hand where the sun hit it. As for dinner, I ate a rare steak with no problem, but the instant I put salad in my mouth I threw up.

Speaking of, i have now lost a total of 50 pounds. I have come to accept that this is not normal. No sickness can do this to me.

Getting really depressed. Told Cheryl to leave and now I am in my bedroom. I feel so much despair. It's like nothing I ever felt before. I think I might just want to lay in bed until I waste away to nothing.

Going back to bed now.

-Mike

November 18, 2009

It's sundown and I just woke up. That's crazy. I have never slept this much in my life. This sickness has made my insomnia act up. I can't sleep at all at night. I didnt' go to bed till 5am last night/this morning. And that was so instantaneous. I was wide awake one second and suddenly, my eyes were drooping. I barely had time to turn off the light.

The vomiting has stopped but I can still tell I am sick. I woke up about halfway through the day to go to the restroom. I went to peek out my window and the instant I pulled back the curtain, my entire body just went feverish. It was strange. It's like extreme sensitivity to the sun. I looked up something about that last night. It's called porphyria. Some people get it so bad that their skin blisters and burns. I really hope its not that. I have always been a night owl but I do enjoy going out during the day.

There is one thing that I hesitate to even mention. No one really reads my blog but me, but its still uncomfortable for me to mention. I know everyone would just say I need to go to a doctor. I am sure I need to see one, but...I don't really want to. I mean, as a fat guy, this is a dream! I am not throwing up but somehow I am still losing weight. Now, I am not talking about a litttle weight. I weighed myself on the 17th. I had lost 10 pounds. I weighed myself just a few minutes ago and I have now lost a total of 30 pounds. Thats 20 pounds I lost while I was sleeping. Even depriving myself of food wouldn't cause me to lose weight this fast. My clothes don't fit anymore. I had to borrow my roommates jeans.

Whats wrong with me?

Hopefully, I will get my appetite back soon. This is starting to get a little too weird for me.

-Mike

November 15-17

I am sick...really sick. Not sure whats going on. That's why I haven't been online in a couple days. I am still pretty weak but was tired of lying in my bed, not sleeping. I can't seem to sleep at night at all anymore. So, I thought I would come online and tell about my night out and complain about being sick.

Saturday night, Jessie was in town and basically dragged me out of my apartment. He got me dressed up in the best clothes I had. He styled my hair and forced me into the car. We drove to downtown Austin to go to the bars. I haven't gone to one in quite a long time. On the way there, I kind of got into the spirit of things and decided to just cut loose. Jessie tends to do that to me. He gets me in a good mood. It's one of his best qualities.

We hit a couple bars on sixth street: Dizzy Rooster, Chuggin Monkey, and Jackalopes. That was fun but what we both wanted to do was dance. So we walked down to the market district to the gay bars. We spent some time at Oil Can Harry's getting nice and liquored up (yet another thing i haven't done in a while) and then headed over to this new gay bar...the name escapes me.

After a couple more drinks we decided to dance. The dance floor was crowded and we were having a great time. I have to say that I have pretty good moves for a big boy. Jessie sure seemed to like them. We started getting really close. I am not sure if it was the liquor or if there was really something happening there.

But then the weirdest thing happened. The guy that was standing outside my work the other day was across the dance floor from me! He wasn't dancing or anything. Just standing there, which I thought was kinda weird. For some reason, that I still don't understand I decided to go ask him why he was looking at me so hard. He just wouldn't stop. I told Jessie I needed to get a drink and so I started walking towards the guy.

It was weird cause he saw me coming and just moved away. I kept walking in that direction and saw him go into the bathroom. I kept following him and eventually cornered him in the bathroom. I guess the alcohol made me feel brave. Up close he was really good looking. Better than Scott even. I knew there was no way he was interested in me. This made me want to know why he was basically stalking me even more. A stall door opened and a guy moved out of the way. I told the guy that I wanted to talk to him and he just moved into the stall. But he left the door open.

There was no way I was going to have sex with some random guy in a bathroom so I went to the doorway and just asked him, point blank, "Are you following me? or am I just crazy?" He just looked at me, didn't say a word. Then next thing I know I am in the stall with him, the door is closed. I guess I should've been thinking about Jessie but...I don't know. I just wanted to kiss this guy. I must have been a lot more drunk than I thought.

The guy actually let me kiss him. Then he got really forceful. He pushed me against the wall and started to kiss down my cheek. He got down to my neck and I pulled him against me. Then all of a sudden, I felt this sharp pain in my neck.

I guess it was about then that I passed out. I don't really remember passing out cause the next thing I knew I was on the nasty floor of this stall and Jessie was above me with a bouncer. They got me onto my feet. I felt amazingly sober all of a sudden. The bouncer asked us to leave.

Jessie got me into the car and drove me home. I was feeling sober but still kind of weak, so immediately when we got home, Jessie put me in bed. I remember him kissing me on the lips before I fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up totally sick to my stomach. I made it to the bathroom just in time to throw up. So much for drinking! While i was huddled on the bathroom floor throwing up into the toilet, Jessie came in and watched over me. It was about that point that I remembered the guy from the bar. I felt horrible. Jessie is such an amazing guy but I couldn't help myself. I don't ever want to drink again.

After throwing up for the first 3 hours of my day, Jessie finally got me into the shower. I started feeling a little better and by the time I stepped out I felt pretty good. I was combing my hair when I saw this weird thing on my neck. It was like a hickie but bigger. I touched it and it was still really tender. I am guessing that was where mystery guy sucked on my neck before I passed out.

I put on a collared shirt to make sure Jessie didn't see it. I figured since it didn't go far I don't really need to mention it to him. Anyways, we aren't dating so I didn't cheat right? (I am really glad I kept this blog secret from friends otherwise I would be screwed.) I do still feel bad about it. I mean Jessie is amazing. I almost feel like I don't deserve him now.

So Sunday went ok until lunchtime. We went out to Roadhouse. They have the best steaks in the world. The freaking cook that day couldnt get my steak rare enough. They probably went through at least 4 steaks before they refused to cook it any rarer. I told them to get a new cook. I guess I was really grumpy from throwing up all day. So lunch sucked but it was fun to just hang out with Jessie.

After lunch, we went to the movies. We had to leave half way through because I started feeling sick again. Maybe a rare steak isnt a good idea after a night of drinking. Ha ha. Jessie got me home and guess what? i was back to throwing up in the toilet all afternoon. About 5pm, Jessie had to leave to start the trek back to Odessa. I managed to pull myself away from the toilet long enough to say goodbye. He kissed me on the cheek when he left. WHY IS HE SO SWEET?

I went to bed that night with absolutely nothing in my stomach. Just couldn't hold anything down, not even water. I couldn't sleep either. I had a horrible headache and my stomach hurt. Just didn't stop hurting so I couldn't sleep. My alarm went off at nine am and I stumbled out of bed and straight to the toilet to throw up.

Threw up for only about 10 minutes so I guess thats an improvement. Guess not having anything in my stomach helped. I finally managed to shower and went to get dressed. I don't know if the throwing up helped with my waistline, but my jeans were really loose today. I had to tighten the belt an extra notch. I guess even binge drinking has its upsides. Ha!

My stomach was still aching and I stepped out of the house to go to work and it hit me. This dizzy feeling and I started getting really hot. I went back in, called my work and said 'no way.' I collapsed back into bed and fell asleep instantly. Didn't actually wake up till about 2 hours ago. I still feel a little nauseous but my fever is gone and the headache is diminished. Hopefully tomorrow I will be up for work. Just hope I can sleep tonight!

So that was my weekend. Started out strong but lost steam at the end. Ha ha. Sorry about the extra long post. Will try to stop combining days so they aren't all this novel length.

-Mike

November 13 & 14, 2009

(copied from loose leaf paper)

Had a great time hanging out with Jessie tonight. Cheryl and I took him out to a play and out for a couple drinks. Cheryl seems to really dig Jessie and thinks that I should just not worry about guys like Scott anymore. I should just go for the gold with Jessie.

Maybe she is right. I do like him a lot. I feel happy when he is near. He also makes me feel good about myself. Tonight he is taking me out to the bars. I am hoping that Cheryl comes along. She doesn't get out enough. She says that we need "boy time." I am not exactly sure what she means by that.

I am looking forward to the night out. I haven't had one in so long, I barely remember what a crowd looks like. Speaking of, I had better get started on getting ready. We leave in about an hour and I still haven't shaved. I pray that tonight is as awesome as I think its going to be!

-Mike

November 12, 2009

Well, its just about 3AM, so I thought I would write a quick journal entry and then hit the hay. Work today was marginally better. Calls were easy and then Scott showed up today. Even if he doesn't know who I am, I still enjoy looking at him. He has the bluest eyes I have ever seen. And the most perfect smile. I can't get over it! I just wish I had the nerve to at least say hello to him. He glanced my way a couple times during the day and I had planned to smile at him. Instead, I am sure i looked nauseated and just looked down at my desk. I need to man up!

Anyways, I am a little worried about work because I am behind in my training and can't seem to get it down. I am worried that if I start taking calls for the new service provider I will screw it up and get lots of cancelled tickets. I guess I will just have to take some time out of my weekend to really concentrate on watching the training videos.

After work, a weird thing happened. I came out of the office to the back parking lot and it seemed darker than usual. I guess one of the lights had gone out or something. I started walking to my car and I hear this sound. I turn around and some weird guy was suddenly leaning against the wall right near the door I had come out of. He was very tall but I couldn't make out much more than that. He just stood there and kept his eyes trained on me. I certainly walked faster than ever to my car.

But thats not the weirdest part! I came home and was getting out of my car and I could swear the EXACT same man was sitting under a tree in the playground area. I guess that is silly though. Theres absolutely no way it could be the same guy. But even still, it was creepy. I've probably just been watching too many scary movies again.

Jessie arrives tomorrow mid-morning. I am excited about him coming into town. I am very ready for him to move here! We have been friends for years now and I love being around him. Sometimes I feel like there might be more there, but...oh, I don't know. It's confusing. Maybe its better if I just don't think of my friends that way. But theres just something about the way he smiles at me.

Anyways, he is going to force me out of this coccoon I call an apartment for a night out on the town on Saturday. Part of me is excited because I haven't been downtown to the bars in months. But part of me is scared because...well, because I haven't been downtown to the bars in MONTHS! I am sure he will make sure I have a good time. He always does.

Well, he gets here pretty early so I should head for bed. Still have to clean the apartment before he gets here. Here's hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.

-Mike

Nov. 11, 2009

(Copied from loose leaf paper)

Today was an exceedingly boring day. I went to work and stared at a computer screen all day. The work of monkeys, I tell you. I sometimes hate my job. Tech support has got to be one of the worst jobs ever.

To make things worse, he wasn't there today. I did find out his name, however. After some clever searching in the employee directory, I learned the name of the most beautiful man I have ever seen: Scott Green. God, what would he think of me? He'd probably think I was some kind of stalker. He'd start screening his calls and checking his backseat.

Who am I kidding? A man like that would never even notice me. Here I am, 100 lbs. overweight (obese if you really get down to brass tacks), glasses, bad complexion and horrid fashion sense. Guys like Scott have never paid any attention to me.

Cheryl says I should talk to him. I know he'd either laugh at me...or even worse...be really weirded out. I feel so powerless over my life sometimes. I think I can finally, once and for all, say that I am truly unhappy.

-Mike